While this isn’t a parenting blog, my goal is to help people in any way, shape, or form and that can naturally be through sharing my experiences being a father. Well, taking a step back (and now realizing I need to update my bio) WE ARE NOW A FAMILY OF THREE! Madelyn Jean was brought into this world at 5:41 a.m. on Tuesday, 07/11/2023, at 7 lbs. even. Dani (mom) was an absolute rock star, but anyone who knows her knew that was going to be the case. So, with that, I’ve had A LOT of time the past two - three weeks to think about being a father while actually being a father.
Luckily for me, I get eight weeks of paternity leave, so I’ve been able to be at home and unplugged to help Dani and Maddy thus far. I am saving the bulk of my leave for when Dani goes back to work but taking two and half weeks up front has been an amazing decision. But before I spill too many beans, I’ll level set the real purpose of this short and sweet post. I wanted to give my top couple of recommendations for expecting/new dads based on what worked well for me and us or what we maybe wished we would have done differently while the topic is fresh on my mind!
Bonding Through Boundaries
Like I started to dive into already, the best thing we’ve done as a family is to have ~10 days with just us three. Logistically this was easier for us given I have great leave benefits and ALL our family is still in Iowa, but it’s still something I’d push everyone to consider. Having time to find your own rhythms, getting uninterrupted bonding time with your little tyke, and being forced into a position to provide for both your wife and your child 24/7 with no other responsibilities has been extremely fruitful for me. Granted my love language is acts of service, I still think this helps everyone have time to grasp their role as a father, husband of a mother, and provider for the family. Again, I know it isn’t easy for everyone to pull off but try to set as many boundaries as you can for that first week at a minimum.
Let People Help
Dani and I are both rather independent people who struggle to ask for and accept help. We’re beyond grateful for the support we have in our corner, especially considering how far away family is, but even then, it’s still hard. Luckily for us, we have some people in our lives that didn’t let us ask for help, they just did it. When we arrived home from the hospital there was already two days’ worth of meals in our fridge and a meal train had been started. I still feel bad knowing people took time out of their busy lives to make and bring us a meal, but what helps is knowing I’d do the same for them. We also did find it helpful having that food on hand, even if we didn’t eat right when it was delivered. Especially for Dani who might get hungry at 2:00 a.m. after a feed, she could just open the fridge and scarf down some meatloaf or lasagna. So, point being, let people help!
You Can’t Do It All
My love language is acts of service (like already noted). Not to talk myself up but I thrive in doing as many chores as possible. Not because I enjoy doing them, but I enjoy knowing Dani doesn’t have to. Being the dad means you’re off the hook for feeding, which is essentially all that happens during the night (and most of the day...). When we first arrived home, I would get up with Dani for every feed to just sit with her or run and grab anything she needed. This, stacked on two sleepless nights in the hospital, had me running on fumes by the second day being home. The next night I crashed, slept for almost eight hours ,and woke up feeling like a new human. The craziest part was Dani saying how it was all good, she didn’t need me even once (we packed a cooler of snacks next to the recliner upstairs🙂)! That next day I was on point all day, doing what I love to do, helping. Laundry, diapers, groceries, cooking, you name it. This was when I realized I can’t do everything, it’s biologically impossible. So, the next lesson is, be the team of two you should be. You can’t help your family if you’re crashing and burning every day.
Eat The Last Meal
One unique piece of advice given to me was to make sure you eat a meal before you get to the hospital. Obviously, this isn’t always possible, but for us it was, and of course we didn’t. I was lucky enough to run and grab Subway at 7:30 p.m., but by the time I was back Dani was already contracting intensely so she couldn’t even eat, and I snuck bites of my food over the course of two hours until it was gone. While this advice seems small and slightly comical, take it! Just like the last topic, you can’t help nearly as much if your tank is running on empty. If I were to do it again, I’d have a dinner prepped in the fridge to be able to throw in our cooler so I could eat it in the car. So, food for thought, literally.
The Best Life
While these are all nuggets of wisdom relevant to me, how our story unfolded, and through the circumstances we were given, I hope they might be of some benefit to you! I’d love to know if you found these helpful or what additional pieces of advice you’d give as well! Just remember, no one and yet everyone are experts, no “plan” will ever be followed to a “T”, and this will be the greatest moment and time of your life.
Let’s Love and Grow Together.
-DDD